Creating the Container~
“When we create firm structures, regular and rhythmic life habits, we give our child a sense of safety. Out of safety grows an inner sense of freedom.
“We can foster the openness of freedom when we give our children multifaceted opportunities for self-discovery and self-expression. They may experience this through open-ended creative play, through the arts, through stories and music, or through the exploration in nature.
“We can think about creating the container in the same way we envision creating an orderly, predictable play environment. The toys are mindfully selected and lovingly cared for.
“Each toy or play material has it’s ‘home’ and at playtime’s end finds its way back to its proper basket. Everything is brought to order and to rest. but during playtime, there is spaciousness, ‘anything can be anything.’
“There is tremendous freedom to explore, to create, to experiment. It is in this weaving back and forth between the mindfully structured orderliness and glorious open space that the strong container full of emptiness is created…
“We can hold this image as we move through the many questions that will arise in our parenting. As situations present themselves, we can ask ourselves, what are the firm boundaries that this situation calls for, and how can my child experience freedom within these boundaries? By holding this question, we recognize and care for the many needs of our young child’s being.
“This child needs physical safety, warmth and nurturance; emotionally, she needs love, guidance and modeling. Spiritually, she needs inspiration and freedom to become the person she will be. The right balance of structure and freedom will meet these diverse needs…
“(When) your child is still pushing, he is clearly asking you to create a safe boundary; he wants you to define the container for him. This is how he discovers the parameters of his world. Like the early explorers, he is pushing the envelope, finding the edges of his world’s map.
“Understanding this can help you respond with the two match words of discipline: firm and kind. With firmness and kindness, you can draw the boundaries, making his world small enough to be safe and understandable, and yet large enough that he can freely walk the path of self discovery.”
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2 comments
Jahna says:
Apr 12, 2014
Thank you for this enlightenment. Very beautiful, My heart is breaking. I have been so snappy lately and truthfully a little scary and mean ( not firm and kind ) to my daughters whom are everything to me. I feel so not in control. I want my children to have minds of their own and always second guess my authority…letting her wear sundresses in winter, not wearing jackets, staying up late to read one more book, then get another late night snack….Things are not good at home, there is no structure, no peace no boundaries. My marriage is atrocious, yelling and chaos no order, no leadership, no discipline, no help. For 5 years I have been sleeping with my girls to get them asleep, the 2 and a half year old is still breast feeding and can’t sleep with out it. I feel smothered, they are clingy. None of us are getting good sleep and that alone is making me edgy and snappy. My five year old does not listen, mind, she is very dramatic, they scream for everything and in general seem not adjusted. Knowing my children are pushing because they are looking for safe boundaries makes me sad. I have been like a crazy person. Your website brought me back to the beauty, grace, power, importance of being a mother. What do you do about past mean things said to children. My heart is broke to zero ( my daughter said that to me once!!!!!! Ouch) about it, it makes me act guilty and I feel like she can see right through me and it makes me feel like she won’t trust me, and I don’t trust myself because this anger just comes out. I remember my mom doing similar things and it hurt my self esteem for life. One thing different is I acknowledge and tell her mommies aren’t perfect and ask her how to fill her heart back up. I need me time and to ground myself and give myself love so I can purposely be firm and gentle and guiding.
Also can I leave my marriage over these issues. It is 100% opposite of what I grew up with and I think my husband is a severe narcissist / sociopath and it has been bankruptcy, illness with prescription drug addiction, 4 moves, financial struggle and marital stress for all the years of their little lives. I am the person who needed direction in life and could be controlled again always second guessing self so let someone else tell me what to do but now I think it is just ugly and I am stuck and he is unhealthy for me and that makes me a bad mother.
Shannon says:
May 24, 2014
Jahna, Love and Blessings on you, your life circumstances and your little ones. May the Light find it’s way into every crack of your being and fill you with the peace, harmony and happiness you are craving.